my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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