I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
