just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
