he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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