What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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