You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
