false alarm. still invincible.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
