What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
