Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
