plz talk dirty to me
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
