I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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