Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
