I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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