I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
