What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
