Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
