I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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