I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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