i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
