Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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