my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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