matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
