she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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