Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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