You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
