Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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