I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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