Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
