Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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