the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
