can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
