I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
