once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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