just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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