I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
