I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
