You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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