Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
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