we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
