I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
