and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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