and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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