I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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