Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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