no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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