I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
