Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
