you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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