I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
