sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
