I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Randomize
