The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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