I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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