foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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