i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
