my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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