Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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