The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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