I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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